This week was quite exciting

We had mission training/Christmas Party in Orion on Wednesday. It was nice to see some familiar faces.

On our way home from training, I realized how beautiful it is, despite the trash everywhere. I was anticipating missing it here in the Philippines, and it almost made me already miss it, as weird as that sounds. We found a few new investigators this week. I am excited to teach/learn with them.

Every day, I'm learning and progressing, some days more than others. But this week, I realized that a lot of my pain and anxiety was coming from the fact that I was so attached to friends, my things, my life, and I was resisting the change that will inevitably come from learning how to love and serve other people.  I was fighting the change. I am a missionary, and I am starting to find inexplainable joy in that. This is the only time in my life that I will have this lifestyle, and do this work, the way that we do it everyday.

I prayed for happiness. I've never prayed for that before. I prayed for happiness, and that has been given to me. I am able to go through hard things, if I can find joy.

Many of my concerns from before, are slowly being resolved, mostly through studying the scriptures. That is hard to explain as well, but there is so, so much to be found there.

On Friday, Sister T and I split, so we switched companions for the day for training purposes. I went to Florida Blanca, and Sister Mamolang was my companion for the day. She's from Visaya, I think? It was really great to work with her and I learned a lot from her, how she interacted with the people, what she talked about. It all felt a bit more natural, probably because this is her culture. It's harder for Sister T and I to have really natural conversation with some people, because our Tagalog sounds different and we don't understand them as well as a native would. Sister Mamolang and I spoke tagalog mixed with english all day, but it was nice to hear about her and I told her about America too.  

Florida Blanca was really beautiful. I saw a field of sugar cane, and lemon bushes. We visited a family with no floor, just the ground. The woman there gave us bread that she made in her coal oven.

2 Ne 31:3-"For my soul delighteth in plainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men. For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding."

This was such a gem for me. 'according to their language' is probably referring to even a speech preference. Some people feel God through simple, plain words, and some people require other things. I'm trying to learn how to teach-how to be simple in explaining. I cannot give everything that I know at once.

I wish I could write more, but thank you all for your support!

-Sister Vickers

PS. Enjoy the pictures! A few are from the apartment. One is of the brooms that we have here. I think they look like mustaches, so Melissa Swan should like that. One is of my mission president and wife. Another is of Sister T and I. Another is of soap that is made from placenta that I saw in a store. 2 photos are of jeepneys- we use them to get everywhere, unless we take a tricycle. One is with a family in our ward in their home.

ok bye.

MTC Pictures

Family and Friends,
Here are pictures from Daniele's 8 weeks at the MTC. I picked a handful to show you and I don't have any explanation for any of the pictures. Sorry! Enjoy! Daniele's sister, ~Michele

 Daniele at the Provo Temple

 Daniele and her puns! She just loves them!

 Daniele and Sister Stromberg her companion in the MTC

Naramdaman masarap

Hi family,

I am happy and well. Tagalog is coming along, and I'm continually understanding more and more. Speaking comes slower, but the understanding is coming. 
Last week I think I said that Lubao is south of Olongapo, but it's actually east. 

The weather has been pretty nice. We carry around our umbrellas everywhere we go to either block sunlight or to block rain. 

I really enjoy teaching. I'm not a very good teacher. I have a tendency in conversation, to want to explain everything at once. It's been interesting to learn how to ask better questions so that people can teach themselves. It definitely requires a conscious effort to ask thought provoking questions. I forget that I learned the things that I've learned, over 21 years and I couldn't possibly explain everything at once, despite the desire to. 

Back home, I felt like sitting down and talking with someone was one of the most fulfilling things to do. I still feel that way. Yesterday we were visiting a family, and the father described how he felt when he read the Book of Mormon. "Naramdaman masarap." I can definitely relate to him having that "delicious feeling" when reading. I am understanding more and more why it is so important to study, in a personal kind of way-to have that time alone. It's been really great for me. 

I've already seen small small miracles in people's live. People are progressing that we didn't expect to progress. Djorn, a 14 year old, lives with his sister's family because his parents died. He can't go to school because he watches his nephew all day. (There is a lot to his story.) His nephew would cry whenever we would come over, so our time was really limited with him, like if his sister was home to watch the baby. We couldn't teach with whenever he had to watch the baby. Now, the baby likes us and shakes our hands. I was so shocked at the change from being terrified of us to wanting to see us. Anyways, we are able to visit Djorn much more frequently because of this change and he's making progression.

I feel like I've seen some of the most random things, here in the Philippines. (Corpse-I do mean 'random.') 

"Why are you white?" -A little girl asked me that the other day when Sister T and I were trying to find a house. Every time we go in that neighborhood, we'll get a small group of little girls that follow us around and ask us questions. I told her that I was born white. ha. 

I dislike being stared at so much, but that was life in Ecuador as well. I was feeling frustrated about it when my companion and I walked past a house of kids doing a choreographed dance to lady gaga outside on their porch. One of the kids yelled all in one sentence, "Hihowareyoui'mfinethankyou."  so so great. People like to practice their English with us. 

The other day I shook hands with a man that had 6 fingers. I thought something felt weird, but didn't realize it until later. I also realized that the sixth finger had nail polish-only the sixth. 

The Philippines are beautiful despite the trash everywhere. It's funny that in America, we have established rules and guidelines for everything. Here, it feels like there's not very many. Most people don't even have addresses. They'll live in 'puroks' or small neighborhoods. We just ask neighbors where someone lives if we don't know. We also don't knock on doors. We yell, 'Tao po!' outside of the house or outside of the fence. 

It is hard to see how poor some people are. We taught a woman and her children and father, and they didn't seem to have a bathroom. We sat on stools in her cement home. Some people don't even have cement. They'll make walls out of plants or whatever they can use.

Mom would be happy to know that we clean all of our own clothes. There are no washing machines where we live, so we spend 3-4 hours on P-day washing our clothes. Hopefully I will get faster!

We don't have a microwave or an oven in our kitchen, so everything is made on the stove. We have a fridge, in which we put EVERYTHING that we don't want ants to get into, even our toothbrushes, cereal, etc.

1 Nephi 2:14-15-- Verse 15 is so so great, but only because of what is in 14. Lehi was a man of power, but void of an earthly prestige. It reminds me of Christ when we says that He will give peace, "but not as the world giveth." That is something to ponder. 

2 Nephi 2: 13,16-- Interesting, as well.

Okayokayokay. I'm done. Love you all. Maybe I'll send some pictures next week.

P.S. If you want to send 'Dear Elders,' I think it is free. If it's not, just send an email, but getting letters through 'DearElder' is nice.

P.P.S.Corpse- I got your 2 DearElders at once. Letter coming your way!

This is the most ridiculous place I've ever been in

Hey family,

Sorry this is so long. I hate reading super long emaiIs so hopefully this is exciting enough. I couldn't possibly begin to adequately explain everything from this week. I'm in an area called 'Lubao' It's about an hour outside of Olongapo. 
I am glad that I was able to live in Quito for last summer, because it would be terrifying if I'd never left the country. It's even more foreign than Quito was, and it's been quite an adventure. Even being semi-familiar with the process of learning to be conversational in another language has helped and I'm already learning a lot of Tagalog. The structure is still confusing to me though.

My companion is Sister Mele Tupouniua. She is Tongan, but has lived in Utah her whole life. I am really glad that I have an American as my first companion, even though she's not fluent in Tagalog. (She is 5'11'' and since we are both tall and foreign, we are quite the sight!)  I am constantly asking questions about everything, so it's nice to not worry if I'm asking something that might be offensive or rude to a filipino. I've have so many questions and it's nice to learn a lot while still being able to speak English. She has been out in the Philippines for 7 months. With the new program that has been implemented, she will be my trainer for the next 12 weeks, and then after that 12 weeks, I should (in theory) be able to train someone else. Most likely I won't have to do that though. 

I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday was my first time at church here, the Lubao branch. Everyone was super friendly and nice. I introduced myself during the testimony meeting and shared my testimony. I tell everyone that I was born in Chicago, because a lot of them have heard of Chicago (probably because of Michael Jordan.) My companion said that it's super unusual for them to hear an American speaking Tagalog, so they listen to everything, despite it being pretty bad Tagalog.

For Relief Society yesterday, it was combined with the men and instead of a lesson, they planned their ward Christmas party! haha. They have a Primary Christmas party, a RS Christmas Party and then a branch Christmas party. Christmas is such a huge deal here and my companion told me that other people in the area know all about the Mormon's Christmas parties. ha.

There are ants and bugs everywhere! I've been trying to plug up the pathways in the house where they move through and also doing a lot of spraying which seems to help. There are also small lizards that get on the walls sometimes. They are about 4 inches long. They aren't really a problem normally, except for last night. My companion and I were planning and I sat down at my desk and a lizard fell on me! It freaked me out. We live with another set of missionaries in this area. The two other sisters are filipino and are always laughing at my reactions to the bugs and lizards. 

Our apartment is definitely the nicest apartment I've seen so far, here in Lubao. (Most house here are just cement floors/walls with a tin roof. We usually will be teach people on the floor though.) We have real roofing and real flooring, and good lighting. It's basically like an American apartment, without AC. The houses that are considered 'average' would be considered very very poor in the US.

Unless we are going a long distance, we use either tricycles or jeepneys to get around. I usually feel like I'm going to die whenever I ride a tricycle. The jeepneys are basically way less classy limousines with an open back. Sometimes it gets super super packed inside the jeepneys. The driving is pretty scary though. Even when Pres. Querido was driving us to our area, he was constantly passing people and it felt like he was 'playing chicken' with the cars in the incoming lane. Sometimes they would pull off because we would get super close. ah!

We stopped by the market the other day to get a few items. There was an old woman selling stuff and she had a T-shirt on that said, "Young, single, and ready to mingle!"   So so great!

My first night in Lubao, we went to a missionary farewell of a sister in Lubao.. The branch had a small program for her, but the absolute best thing was the musical number. The Young Women's leader and the Young Women prepared a choreographed dance to a super cheesy love song. They performed it on stage and it was probably the best farewell I've ever been to. ha. 

On our way home after teaching a lesson, we stopped by a family in the branch. There was about 1/4 of a pig sitting on top of a bag on their kitchen table. NBD. I pretended like it was normal and laughed afterwards.

I don't have a lot of personal insights on things right now. I'm mostly just adapting now and learning about the culture and how to get by. It does feel weird to know that I'll go back home to an environment that is just generally safer and more clean/sanitary. That feels weird and in some ways almost wrong or unfair.


BYE. 

(My P-day is on Monday now.)

internalizing, ever internalizing

kamusta,

 

This week has gone by fast! We heard from Russell M. Nelson and his wife, who I think Mom knows? They both gave super insightful talks. Wendy Nelson talked about working "not after the manner of men." She gave an example in 1 Nephi 17:8, of the command "to construct a ship, after the manner which I shall thee." It left with me with a lot to think about. Elder Nelson ended his talk by playing a recording of an incredibly beautiful song called 'Alleluia.' I don't know who composed it, but it was so chilling and beautiful.  

 

 We had our in-field orientation yesterday which was really helpful in many aspects. We leave in 2 days with over a day of traveling! Yes! I am so oddly excited to make a fool of myself, trying to speak Tagalog to Filipinos. I'll probably be introducing myself to whatever ward I'm in, next Sunday in Tagalog. If anything, it'll be entertaining. I am excited to being meeting and working with these beautiful people.

 

 I've been learning a lot about pride and the important link between humility and growth. Pride is so often manifested in an over-abiding attitude of opposition. I realized that I would often place myself in opposition to people or even an idea, not because they were wrong, but simply because I didn't understand them. For me, this relates to a lot of gospel principles, in the fact that just because there is a lack of understanding, it doesn't mean that it's wrong. "I don't understand, but I want to," seems to be maybe a better approach-more faith. I think faith cause us to internalize our beliefs, maybe more so than if we could rely on other senses.

 

I was also thinking about John 5:31-38 and how many times 'witness' is mentioned. It seems to be pretty important.

 

(COOL articles for anyone, but especially Katja-- "Chiasmus in the Book of Mormon" by John W. Welch, and "Hebrew Literary Patterns in the Book of Mormon" and I forgot to write down the author's name for that one! oops. Both are really interesting! )

 

Also, apparently anything other than USPS for packages is super expensive when I go and pick it up there. Hopefully, I shouldn't need anything big sent though.

 

 

marami pagmamahal,

 

Sister Vickers

Pagpapakumbaba

Kamusta,

 

First off, we got our travel plans yesterday, which I 'm sure you couldn't even imagine my reaction to. In other words-excitement (!!!!!!!!)

 

I'm going from Salt Lake-Los Angeles on the 28th at 4:55 pm. I have a long layover and then we fly to Seoul, Korea and then to Manila. I'll get to Manila around 11 am, their time on the 30th.

 

I got a package from my dear friend, Brittni who's serving in Boise, ID right now. amazing woman.

 

Last Sunday at church, Elder Leavitt (from my zone) and I sang a duet, 'Nearer, my god to thee.' It went well!  I'm singing more now too, because I don't have my music.

 

 Earlier this week, I was feeling peculiar about the effects of being a religious person. I wrote in my journal this week, "There's an irrational aspect of believing and then acting on something that typically doesn't appeal to our physical senses, which would be a bit more explanable at least. Our spiritual awareness and spiritual sense is a bit more vague and maybe undefinable in many ways. I realized that this relates so much to the effect that art (in multiple forms) and music has on us. Why it brings people to excitement/tears/humility, etc. is unexplanable, but nobody could deny their effect, and thus their validity." It seems like religion gives people something that keeps them believing despite it being irrational to explain fully. That is true for me, but I wouldn't be able to explain it via an email.

 

 Earlier this week, Sister Stromberg and I sticky noted my entire body so that we could learn body parts in Tagalog!

 

Tiyan=stomach (Tian, I think of you every time I say that word!)

 

My absolute favorite word so far is 'dibdib.' It means 'chest.' The best things about that word is that it is perfectly symmetrical. The chest is generally thought of as a center/midline for the body. YES.

 

A lot of Tagalog words have similar meanings. It's pretty exciting, that many words are associated with each other.

 

Bunga= fruit, result

Kasalanan=sin, guilt

Biyaya= blessing, grace

 

OKloveyoubye.

One Great Whole

PPPS. I leave November 28, and I should get my travel plans in 6 days! Yes!

Hi everyone,

 

This week has been dramatically better than last week. I was able to meet with my branch president. We talked for an hour and a half, about questions I've had about a few things. I was surprised by his perceptive qualities as well as his sensitivity to my needs. He has wondered and struggled with similar questions as I have. "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you."  amen. amen. amen.

 

My migraines have subsided. I only have a cold, and even though i've been sick most of this week, I feel emotionally much better and somehow strangely stronger than before- a definite gift from God.

 

I am often so so impatient when it comes to wanting to know the answers to my questions and wanting to see it now. I'm finding that spiritual knowledge requires spiritual awareness. That awareness is beyond physical sight, sound, touch, etc. It's a bit more difficult than that. When I feel like I lack strength, I go back to the things that I can definitely know and talk about in a physical sense. For me, it can be hard to listen to that other side- to remind myself of things that resonate internally, despite a lack of physical evidence. I still have questions. Many are in the process of getting answered, and some may take time. Child-like faith is required. That used to be easier for me, even in high school.

 

Tagalog is going well. I am very grateful for my experience, living in Ecuador last summer. I'm semi-familiar with the process of acculmating a language and becoming conversational. ( I was far from being fluent in Spanish, but I was happy with being conversational with people.) I'm grateful that I don't feel stressed about the language. I feel okay about it. I'm getting more comfortable speaking. In the Philippines, I'm sure the first few months will be pretty stressful with the language, but it'll come, only because it has to and I won't really have other options for communicating. : )

 

The other day I met a missionary who was from Iceland. My friend and I went up to him and talked for a few minutes in the cafeteria. I was so excited to talk to him and I said several times, " I just love your country!"  He spoke some icelandic for us, which was beautiful, by the way. He also mentioned that they might be adding another ward in Iceland. Pretty exciting.

 

 

Five fish fight no light, despite their might! (Luke 5)

 

Isaiah 58:10- This was so poignant for me!

 

 

I love you all,

 

Sister Vickers

 

 

 

PS. Katja-I got your letter. SO gutsy. so proud.

 

Melissa- Columbus Day= best day on your calendar ( I didn't know if I had anything this week, so I didn't check.)

 

Tian-  #2. I'll be sending another letter soon! Thank you for your words : )

 

 

 

PPS. If anyone reading this knows Christine Armbruster, tell her that things keep reminding me of her and for her to write me if she can: )

socks para sa akin (This is a pun.)

Hey there,

This has been incredibly difficult for me. I don't want to dive into all of the personal details, but things were feeling pretty bleak. I've been having bad migrines and have been sick for most of the week. I got my eyes checked because the doctor thought that my eyes might be straining to see. I had an exam yesterday, but my eyes were fine. (+.25 on my right eye and +.50 on my left eye.) There is probably a strong correlation with what I'm feeling inside as to what is being manifested physically.

I was thinking about the definition of a 'muslim'- someone who submits themselves to the will of God. That term implies an indescribable degree of humility.

That sounds pretty vague, but I'm in the process of figuring out what it is that my Creator is asking of me. I feel unable to do what is being asked. I don't feel inadequate necessarily- I just don't feel 100% in accordance with what is being asked of me. I am praying for enlightenment. I am praying for understanding.

I am finding it difficult to feel fulfilled. A part of me feels missing, as I've not been able to devote a lot of time and energy into creating- as I have done in the past.

The MTC is a weird place. Some people absolutely love it here and I feel expected to love it and I absolutely don't. I am thinking of it as a means of getting to the Philippines. I don't enjoy the lack of freedom or lack of choice or lack of ability to even cook my food. I have 3 weeks left until I can get on a flight to Manila. It's difficult to sort out my thoughts when I am sick and when I feel a lack of control here. I will have plenty of freedom and choice when I can start living on my own again (with my companion.)

I saw a friend when I went to Lund Optical and it was so bizarre to see downtown Provo. I never thought it would look so spectacular as it did.

I'll respond to your letters individually. Thank you for writing me!

PS.

Tian- Thank you for the package you sent me. I wear the socks almost every night. Thanks for your letter yesterday as well.

Takbo

Hihihi,

 

Weeks are starting to fly by. I apologize for my letter last week. I was so scatter-brained and I didn't say much of what I wanted to.

 

My companion calls me Vister Sickers (or just Vister for short) instead of Sister Vickers. I decided to name my first cat 'Vister Sickers.'

 

Sometimes my companion and I will make up stories or phrases to help us remember verbs. My favorite is 'takbo' which means 'to run.' We came up with a story about a runner named 'Bo' who would talk a lot while he ran. His trainer would always yell at him, "Don't talk-Bo! Just run!"  haha. 'Inom' and 'Talikod' have some funny stories too. Maybe another day. (I am a little worried about losing Spanish when I get back. Sometimes Spanish words come out instead of Tagalog. Tagalog is so different structurally than Spanish though.) 

 

It's very hard to verbalize the realizations I'm having. I can say that that through studying the scriptures, the gospel has become much more personal than it has ever before. I never seriously studied the scriptures and it was always really hard for me to do consistently. It's always been hard, but now that I have the time set aside for it, I'm really enjoying it.

 

(I have found that since moving to Utah, I haven't really loved or connected with the wards that I went to church at. I didn't really feel a sense of belonging. I don't relate to many aspects of LDS culture in Utah, and as a result, I haven't really felt significantly closer to God.) I have found that through a personal sincere studying of the scriptures, I am receiving a certain kind of enlightenment that I've never experienced before. My prayers are so much more sincere and I feel like it's a beginning of some sort of more pure relationship with my Creator, even if it is just student and teacher, for now. Sometimes, it can be hard to find truth through someone else's filter of opinions, ideas, constructs, fears, etc. and I'm finding that it all feels much more personal now. I think I'm allowing myself to be taught more than before.

 

I have also realized that It's obvious that we chose to listen to what we want to hear-to the things that validate our beliefs, whether right or wrong. Humility seems to be a character trait that we all need more of. (Is truth independent of human beliefs and constructs?)

 

 

Bye for now. Thank you all for your support and love.

 

 

P.S. Melissa--I got your letter and I have one for you. You may have to dig for it though....

 

P.P.S. Copfer-- There's an elder in my zone who knows you. He said that he sat next to you during church one day and you both started talking about music. Elder Keaton Baughan? is his name. cool guy!

wandering from a more exalted sphere

This week has gone by very quickly. Tagalog is coming along and I'm understanding it much better. Speaking comes a bit slower though.

We heard from Richard G. Scott during our devotional last Tuesday. I was grateful for the opportunity to hear from him in a smaller setting than general conference, where their talk has to apply or mostly apply to 12+ million members. His sincerity is profound. It reminded me of Jeffrey Holland.

Sometimes I feel like as a church, we could be better about being a little more sincere when speaking about religion or even other topics. I never understood the need to pretend to be a certain way when speaking. Richard G. Scott got back up after we sung our closing hymn and said very slow and very profound, " I love you.... Not hope, not wish, I know that Christ lives."

It took me back a little. I appreciated and adored his sincerity. He also talked about always having the ability the write ideas down or impressions down that we receive.

I have even more questions than I ever have. I don't have enough time to fully explore them how I'd like, but such is life. I'm having faith that they can get answered. Step by step. Line upon line.

 I'm doing well and I'm finding joy. There are some difficult moments of doubt, but on the whole, I feel like I'm progressing.

Nice story--- The other day I was feeling really confused and unsure about a lot of things. I was at lunch and I prayed for more faith along with other things. Later on, 3 missionaries were sitting across from me and starting practicing a song in Samoan. It was overwhelmingly beautiful and I found it to be such an unexpected source of strength.

 (I miss making/talking about/viewing art!)

I love you all dearly and I love all of your letters!

Ether 12:27

Pananampalataya

Hi,

 

This week has been full of a lot of exciting things- more growth and understanding, I think.

 

People have asked me about the food at the MTC. On the whole, I don't really enjoy it. I eat salads almost every day, but most of the food is fried and not prepared very healthily. As a result, I've actually lost weight since being here, because I don't eat very much. I really miss cooking my own food.

 

 My favorite Tagalog pun this week:

 

pananampalataya= faith

 

My companion and I wrote "Keep the bananampalataya!" on a banana we found in our classroom.

 

 I've a had a lot of vivid dreams this week. I find it hard to be 'here.' I find my thoughts wondering in the past or in the potential future. I'm trying to be in the now, but it's difficult at times, when I miss my family or friends or Eric.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a friendly prison, but the other day I decided that I should just think of the MTC as a super exclusive school for languages. That way, it seems better! ha!

 

At the temple this morning, I had the opportunity to meditate for a while and it was one the first times being a missionary, that I felt a more pure sense of self. I was able to just 'be.' I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.

 

This week I realized that the times when I am singing, or listening to music are the times when the reason why I am here is the most clear to me.

 

Also, I'm not a super emotional person, but I find that often in certain situations, tears come to my eyes without understanding why. Maybe my body is more aware of something divine and I'm missing it. It's not an upset feeling or even a joyful one, but rather an over abudant feeling that I can't identify.

 

 D&C 121:26

1 Corinthians 3:2

 

 Also, I'm still studying the concept of 'grace.' I think it's intrinsically linked to humility. Or maybe the knowledge of 'grace' brings about humility.

 

I'm also still trying to come to a better understanding of the atonement. Any ideas would be appreciated!

 

 I love you all and thank you so much for your letters!

 

 PS. Melissa- I got your box, but it was empty. :( I have something for you though.

Heyeveryonei'mdoingokayandimissyouall

This week has been full of growth for me. Time feels so odd here at the MTC. I feel like I've been gone for months, but it's not even been 2 weeks. The MTC is quite a multicultural place. Everyone says 'hello' in their own languages which is pretty fun. All of the Samoans sing in groups, whenever there is a break and I  wish that I could be Samoan, pretty much on a daily basis.

 

( I feel like I've oversimplified my thoughts, but I hope this still makes sense.) Last night I wrote in my journal:

 

 

"I believe in the power of journeys: personal journeys, spiritual journeys, and even physical journeys. There is so much to be learned, and these journeys that life offers us are incredible opportunities for growth. We chose what to take away from difficult things, whether positive or negative. I believe in growth being a process. I wish I could emphasize that even more. This relates to growth inside or outside of the church. It relates to personal growth and growth in relationships. Line upon line. As an LDS people, we make bold claims about truth, but we must stay humble and realize that if we had everything-all knowledge, that we would be God-like, all-knowing, which certainly isn't the case. There are many concepts in the gospel that I do whole-heartedly believe, and many that are harder for me to accept, but i am again, on a spiritual journey in which I am growing at my own pace.

 

I believe in self-discipline. Being at the MTC has helped me understand this concept even better and has strengthened my belief in the practice of self-discipline. "

 

 

I've been studying the concept of 'faith' in my personal study, and I feel much more enlightened by it. I'm studying the concept of 'grace' now and I hope to continue to grow in that area.

 

I'm grappling with the concept of the atonement, in terms of 'how'  this process works. How does one divine man suffer the sins or pains of another? What kind of transfer occurs, when feelings of guilt/shame/sadness are replaced with feeling of hope/love/charity? Please write me/email me if you have any ideas on this. I understand that it is a concept of faith, but I'm really interested in understanding this more. I understand the 'why' of this, but not the 'how.'

 

I had scriptures that I wanted to include, but i forgot my study journal! yikes! Maybe next week.

Hi family!

Wow. Wow. Wow. This week has been such a ridiculous pile of emotions. I felt terrible and cried the first night. It was so so hard to say goodbye to people I love-probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I think that I was lacking faith-faith in my success, faith in the ability to find joy without loved ones. I decided to look up 'faith' in the topical guide for the scriptures and read every scripture listed. I'm learning to use the scriptures to find peace, which I rarely had done before.

 

 

Since then, life has improved dramatically. The MTC is a place for intense spiritual refinement. I have found that I cannot be as analytical about everything, as I normally am. I simply don't have the time to complete my thoughts how I would like to. I cannot critique everything that is done here, as it is simply preparation for the missionaries. I still have mixed feeling about 'blind obedience,' but here I don't have many options or even time to come up with better ideas, so thus I'm doing my best with this. My companion, Sister Alyssa Stromberg has been such a source of comfort for me. She is studying illustration at BYU and is great to work with. I didn't realize that serving a mission would be so much of learning how to love and work with someone that you may not know that well. We are together all the time. Successful missionaries need to learn to grow and progress with their companion.

 

Learning tagalog has easily been my favorite thing here at the MTC. Our teacher almost never speaks English and it's actually really fun. There are many Spanish cognates, so it makes listening to tagalog a lot easier. We're also using a computer program called TALL, which has been really helpful in learning the language. Yesterday we taught our first investigator in tagalog, which was intensely hilarious, as we had no idea what he was saying. I definitely think that the best way to learn a language is through immersion and working through frustrating experiences, as it forces me to learn faster.

 

You all should look up the 'dear elder' website. I'm not sure how it works, but it allows people to send missionaries emails, and we get them in letter form, delivered twice a day to us. We only get 30 minutes to read our emails once a week and respond which is hardly enough time. If you use the website, then I can have all week to read your letter and then respond with a carefully written, love-filled letter for you! Also, I haven't gotten any mail yet, so this would help with that. :)

 

My first tagalog pun:

Alam ko po = I know that...

Olongapo= the place I will be at in the Philippines

 

Good, huh? I thought it was funny.

 

Anyways, I have felt dramatically better since I've been here. Thank you for praying for me. I love you and can't wait to get your letters!

A few thoughts before I leave...

My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ is one that has been evolving and changing, since childhood. I look back at many things I was taught about the gospel as a child, and it's amusing to me that my idea about Christ seemed to suffice me at age 12, and then at age 16 and then at age 19. It's clear that often I felt complete enough about the gospel, and then retrospectively looking back, I almost laugh at what I didn't know.

I have struggled immensely with certain gospel topics, and looking back I feel like it truly was a difficult, tumultuous time, yet it brought me to place where I feel slightly closer to my Creator; I feel less affected by cultural stigmas, by social constructs and by superficial ideas about what it means to be more Christ-like. To take a step out of my comfort was terrifying, but completely necessary.

I recently read an article by an LDS scholar, Julie J. Nicols. In it, she says, " I have a more complicated testimony about Jesus, one that continues to grow and develop, not because my witness is immature but because Christ is a complicated entity."

It seems that the gospel (and especially the doctrine of Exaltation) is incredibly complex. In regards to certain questions asked, I was often told that because of our humanness, our finite cognitive abilities, that sometimes we can't comprehend God's ways in this life. More than ever, I feel that. It's imperative that we as a Body of Christ, (as believers and non-believers in this religion) understand that at the present, God isn't fully knowable, as we are not like God, or think or behave as God does. As we can become better people- more charitable, more honest, less judgmental, more obedient, etc. I think that it's inevitable that we will grow-that we may literally grow and push and stretch ourselves to obtain higher light and to be closer to the Being that created us.

It's evident that we as a people progress step by step, "line upon line, precept upon precept." My faith and hope is placed in the idea that we as a people have a history of obtaining knowledge, and then living a higher law.

There is more to know. 

The church functions as a means of uplifting and helping people perfect themselves.
Mark 2:17- "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." The moment that we get caught in pride and claim that we have it all, seems to be the moment when we stop learning and stop becoming like God.

I am literally overwhelmed by the influence in my life of my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, (together and together only, creating the entity of 'God.' )  I am brought to tears whenever I read 3rd Nephi 17, not because I am a highly emotional person, but because I truly have no other response to that unimaginable beauty and love. The love that Jesus Christ had, that  Divine Being, is incomprehensible to me, and I can only hope that I can understand that better, and hopefully reflect a portion of that love to those I meet on my mission.

Despite arguments against the validity of his teachings and his life, I believe that Joseph Smith interacted with God and received revelation. I believe that God created a means of translating the Book of Mormon, which is truly another testament of our Savior.  May you all keep reflecting divine love and

May we keep transcending!

Nice to see you.

These are emails  to my family, while I serve in the Philippines Olongapo mission, starting September 28.